I met the friendliest cop last night
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
