I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
