Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
