Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
