she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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