I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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