we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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