it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I have peed in a lot of sinks
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
