I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
