So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
