Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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