Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
