Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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