too bad you live with your parents still
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
