I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
