If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
