Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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