you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
