piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
