I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
