So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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