i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
