I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
