Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
