no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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