just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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