I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
