when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
