I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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