Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
