I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
