I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We left the knife in your bed.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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