I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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