She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
