he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
