So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
