it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
