just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
