Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
