I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
