If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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