How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
