can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you still have your period?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
