Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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