OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
