I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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