omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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