I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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