Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
