i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
