Whod you bang
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
