The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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