i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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