I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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