Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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