Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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