I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
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come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.