I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.