He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time