listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
