your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
