I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
