Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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