she looked like the before picture.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
